The Way Forward

Character Habits

As someone who relishes the end goal and an ordered path toward it, I find peace in reading educational curriculum guides. Weird? Strange as it may seem, I confess the moment I realized it myself I sat down to write this out. Why – as a creative, spontaneous soul – should I be drawn to categorical lists of materials and information to be devoured, pondered, stewed over, and responded to? I love it because it charts the way forward, or said another way, defines the course to an assured end goal. What could be more satisfying?

While I would call myself a spiritual person – who has thought of God as real, prayed since childhood with fervor, and have all my own reasons and experiences to back up my conviction of a Heavenly Being desirous to interact with mere humans – thinking of a daily meeting with Him for that particular day’s “bread” irks me. I would prefer the long view, please. What is it that we’re heading toward? Give me the distance and set me on course. Once I can see the way forward, I’m good. See you in a few…

But, that’s precisely what He doesn’t want. I don’t hand a 5th grader a math book and say, “See you in May.” Why do I prefer that sort of relationship with a great Spirit and such an important thing as the course of my life?

Call it what you will, I think I have too much Self involved. Pride. Arrogance. Whatever the opposite of Meekness is, apparently I have an overabundance of that, too. Meekness, in my remembrance, means “teachability.” I would say I’m teachable, but my work today proves otherwise.

The Hard Way Forward

When writing American Wild, an accomplished writer who had spent a career in literature and achieved many successful standards by Christian or secular measure undertook to mentor me. I’m sorry to say it didn’t go well. Oh, he upheld his side of the bargain, but I had such a difficult time taking correction that for six months after reading his comments I couldn’t write. All I heard after reading his remarks was, “You’re a failure. You’re a failure. You’re a failure.” Of course, he hadn’t written anything like that at all. When I was finished sulking I pulled my writing out once more and reread his comments. “These aren’t bad at a all!” I said out loud with surprise to my husband, Robert. He raised his eyebrows and with barely a glance back said, “Nope.”

Well, what was my problem then?

I want to be able to do it myself. It means something to me very deep in my core. Six months wasted writing time and much angst deep. I want to be glorified, applauded, lauded, and praised. Ugh. Who does that sound like? Wait a minute – where’s my pitchfork…?

Accomplishment will come. At some point in my 15 year journey of writing American Wild, Robert wrote me a note on a 3×5 card. It stated, “Success here is to Finish.” Even God looked at Creation at the end and said, “It is good.” And so it was. I pray my heart be corrected from pride, arrogance, self-will, and the lack of taking correction well. It certainly will be the best way forward.

Open to Outside Perspective

This year, I’ve committed to a weekly Tuesday night group  from August through March. In my estimation, we systematically review certain pillars of a healthy soul, and gauge our status in choro. As part of the first few weeks, every morning I journal. I look forward to it with serene pleasure. Coffee in hand, I trudge upstairs to sit on the floor in an empty room and await the full sunrise. Meantime, I’m scrawling questions to an Omniscient Being. Black ink flows. I write. I wait. Like the consistency of the celestial orb, I am not disappointed. Answers come and I pen them inside my yellow journal. Why have I resisted such precious moments? Daily He awaits me, responds, and proves faithful. I have solutions because of this new morning habit.

So, I’m thinking about joining Him in the afternoon or evening. If he’ll have me.

Cup o’ Joe and I’m ready to go…journal.

As for the long view, I choose to look at it like a happy marriage. I have chosen, and chosen well, I believe. Whatever life throws at us, we’ll meet it together. Together. I am not less because I am married as opposed to staying single. Had I stayed single, I believe there would be as much grace for that, but as I personally am married I am stronger as a “we” than a “me.” For that reason, I pray to embrace correction. In married life I had to learn to trust my partner. Could it be that after all this time I don’t trust my Heavenly Partner? Ugh. That sounds terrible.

Reflective Edits

Borrowing the words of another famous writer, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right and steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.” [Amplified Bible Psalms 51:10-12]. According to this wisdom, an unwilling spirit – like a stubborn donkey – needs to be re-created. Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines recreation as “refreshment of strength and spirits after work.”

Let the work of a clean heart be done in me, Lord, so I may be refreshed for the way forward. I believe the journey will be long, yet I take courage knowing I’m not alone.